there is nothing in my head!

so its been awhile since i last posted but tons of stuff has been going on. most of you know by now but for those of you that haven't heard i was worried for the past few weeks that i might have a brain tumor. I've been having rather weird pressure headaches throughout the day. before i could ask my doctor what it could be i looked up information online. apparently pressure headaches can be a lot of things like tension headaches, headaches from high-blood pressure or worst case a brain tumor. naturally, being so traumatized with tumors i automatically think the worse. a brain tumor. on top of EVERYTHING else a brain tumor. i think this time i was really really scared. a new level of fear just filled me up!

finally on Monday i had an appointment with Dr. Chen and i told her about the headaches. she didn't want to play around so she ordered an MRI right away. the only good news i could see from all of this was that the type of chemo i am currently getting treats brain and neck tumors. so i guess that was a plus. other then that i was super scared. Tuesday i went to get the MRI. the whole time i was in the tube all i kept doing was thinking just how loud that machine was and praying! all i kept doing was talking to God and asking him to please let everything be OK.

yesterday, i got the call. 9:00am Dr. Chen called. she told me my MRI was clear. no brain tumor!!!!!!!! i was SO happy! i don't know if I'll ever hear the words "you re cancer free" but I'm sure hearing that was a lot like how i would feel! right after that phone call i cried like no body's business! i was so grateful to God and to everyone who has been praying for me! God really does listen! I've never felt like that before! it was amazing!

I'm still getting the headaches but not as often and Tylenol seems to be working just fine. I'm thinking it maybe because its so hot out. i cant really handle 85 and above heat. hopefully, this headache problem will all be in the past soon!

not sure how to feel

so those of you who may or may not know. i didn't get some good news on Friday. for the past few weeks i was having pain and excessive bloating in my lower abdomen. i finally went in to Dr. Chen and told her whats going on. i asked her if she thought maybe it had to do with the radiation. she said normally if i was going to have any type of pain it would be where i was getting radiation. when she listened to my abdomen she said she could definitively hear things are moving very slowly in there and that's why i was feeling full. she scheduled a CT scan ASAP to see whats up.

i went for my CT scan last Thursday and got my results on Friday morning. found out i have a bunch of little tiny tumors all up in my intestines. these little tumors are what cased things to slow down in my digestive system. i was happy to finally be able to have an answer but man it felt like hearing i have cancer all over again. it was so hard to hear. i knew going into this battle was going to be hard but i didn't think how much it was going to hurt.

all day Friday and over the weekend all i could think of was how much of a failure i was. am i doing something wrong? did i say something not right? i don't get it! i thought i was doing so well. i feel so many things right now. one things for sure is i don't feel like giving up. this just has to be a little bump or trip through my which feels like an endless journey.

the results

well i did yet again another endoscopy test yesterday. this time they completely knocked me out, thank goodness! so i didn't feel a thing. the doctor who did the procedure, Dr. Chui, told Robert that he did see the main tumor and the little lymph nodes around the esophagus. he told Robert that he would talk with Dr. May Chen and see what they can do about it.

today i saw Dr. Chen and she told me that radiation therapy maybe the answer along with chemotherapy. my radiation will be for 3 weeks straight and i will be getting chemo once a week. I'll be getting a lower dose of chemo. Dr. Chen said based on the type of chemo i was already getting this treatment should be no problem. so i should get through this with no problem. after the treatment I'll be getting another PET scan to check for anything else that we've might have missed.

I'm so excited and extremely happy that this stupid nightmare is almost over!!!! i cant wait for my hair to grow back! i cant wait to just start my life again. cancer puts a hold on everything. it doesn't stop you from living your life but it does stop your day to day "normal" life. cancer just sucks in general and i cannot wait to put this behind me!
on another note... Michael Jackson's memorial was extremely moving and touching...Michael may you RIP. thank you for being the soundtrack of my childhood. thank you for your Thriller video because without it i don't think i would have eaten much as a child.=) My mom used to carry the thriller video everywhere and put it on so i could eat. my eyes would stay glued to the TV as Michael and all the monsters would dance around. my mouth would just drop open while my mom would feed me. thank you for your Bad album because without that i would not have been able to run around my house singing to your songs and putting on concerts for my stuff animals and to anyone that would listen to me. thank you for all your music videos because without them i don't think my mom would have anything to threaten me with to take my naps. she would tell me "Juana, you better go to sleep! Otherwise you're not gonna watch Michael on MTV!" thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! you will always be in my heart!

things are looking up

i got my PET scan results and the votes are in. the cancer that was on my bones are no longer there. I'm all clear on my bones!!!!! we are heading in the right direction! chemo is working! my main tumor is there but Dr. Chen said there is no activity going on. it may just be dead cells that are there. But even with all this good news there is a little bit of bad. On the scan there was a little spot that showed up near my esophagus. its about 1 centimeter. they aren't totally sure as to what it is so this Monday I'll be seeing the stomach doctor again and they will be putting a camera down my throat to check it out. i'll keep you all posted.

but over all things are looking up. my war against cancer is still on its way and it looks like i'm winning! Juanita: 1 Cancer: 0

nightastic birthdays!

i dont care who you are....this is HELLA funny! LOL! oh disneyland! how i love you so!

PS...HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

A Wicked Weekend!

This past weekend Robert and i went on a little getaway to San Francisco. it was absolutely awesome! Thanks to one of my very best friends, Adrian, we were able to stay at the JW Marriott off of Post street. This hotel was amazing! i totally recommend staying here! Beautiful!after we checked in our SWEET digs, we headed out to the movies to watch the new Disney-Pixar movie Up. Two thumbs up WAY UP! This movie hit me on an emotional level. i think i cried so much cause of whats been going on in my life. i know the characters aren't going through cancer or something crazy but mainly because i want that kind of life with Robert. hopefully I'll get better and i will live a full life with Robert. that's the plan anyway. i related a lot to earl and Ellie with not being able to have children just because that might be something i will be going through as well. so yeah this movie hit me like a ton of bricks and i loved it!

the next day, Robert and i got up and head out to where all the hippies hang out in San Francisco! haight and ashbury! this place reeks of weed!!!! LOL! they had awesome art work all over the place. the environment was so chill and cool. they had really cool shops and names for restaurants. very original! i loved it! OH and also in the area is the house in the Disney TV show That's so Raven! cool stuff!

After hanging out with all the hippiest people in San Francisco we headed out to the Hippiest and FABULOUS area in San Francisco....THE CASTRO!!!! i loved it here! we saw how everyone here could just BE there self! nobody was judging them. nobody cared who you were kissing or holding hands with. it was so awesome! you were really able to just relax and be who you were. Robert and i were saying too bad the rest of the world couldn't be the same way. its kinda sad actually.

after all the excitement we went back to the room to rest before dinner. Dinner was at kuleto's in union square. it was pretty yummy! stuff mushrooms and chicken with marinara sauce is the bomb! we felt very fancy and rich! hahaha lame i know but still its fun to pretend! after dinner it was Wicked time! that Broadway show was AMAZING! i was totally blown away with such a great performance. i can see what all the fuss was all about.

my memorial day weekend!

so my weekend was super busy! 2 graduations, an awesome day at Napa and a trip to the beach. many congrats goes to my girl Christine Ann Pingel and my cousin Alex Chavez. I'm so proud of you both!
Napa was BEAUTIFUL! we headed over to my aunts house and had a BBQ. after the BBQ Robert, my dad and my nino went to play golf while my tia, my mom, Mandy and myself went wine tasting. the first winery we went to is run by Walt Disney's daughter Diane Miller. that place is absolutely beautiful. its the same place they filmed soarin' over California. we also got to meet the man who helped open the winery at Disney's California Adventures. good knowledge! more Random facts i know about Disney!

From there we headed out to a castle winery just down the road. the man who built it spared NO expense! every rock that was use to build the castle was hand made! he didn't want his castle to look fake so everything was top of the line. we did a 1 1/2 hour tour of the place and at the end we did some wine tasting. we absolutely loved it!
and today Mandy, Jessica, kiwi and myself made our way to Seacliff state beach in Capitola. such a beautiful day. best beach day so far this year! we talked about our trip to Hawaii next year and plans for this upcoming Disneyland trip in June...should be fun! once we were done playing at the beach Jess and i headed to the mall where we had a shopping fail day. nothing really catched our eyes so not a very productive day at valley fair. maybe next time. oh yeah FUCK you old navy and your bullshit $1 flip-flops! why didn't you save any for me! FUCKERS...tis all...

break time is over, back to chemo

round 8 official started this past Monday. this time i felt a little more sick then normal so they upped my meds a bit. it made me feel really weird and then eventually i passed the fuck out. all i know is it made me feel sick when i got home. nasty! oh well...

this past weekend was my cousin's wedding. the ceremony was beautiful! actually everything was nice! I'm so happy for them both! Renee is officially my cousin-in-law! yay! as a gift to them Robert and i got them Disney dollars for there honeymoon and very cool extensive fun guide that i put together for them. i hope they have fun...what am i saying OF COURSE they will have fun! its Disneyland!

the following day, Sunday, we went to the giants and mets game with some friends. it was hella hot for being San Francisco, but once we got in our seats the temperature cooled off. giants won the game but sadly did not win the series. mets wanted it more. good job to both teams!

what will you celebrate?

MY LIFE! Congrats to me on my 6 month anniversary! 6 months ago on Nov 12, 2008 i was told i have cancer. i was told that without treatment i would have 6 months or so left to live. Crazy huh?! back then i wasn't sure how i would be but turns out 6 months later I'm still kicking ass and looking awesome! I'm so grateful that i don't look like shit and I've been doing so well. these past few months I've been to Disneyland 3 times, gone to a lot of giants and sharks games, went to Santa Cruz a thousand times, hung out with my bestest friends, and gone to fantastic family events! thank you for all your prayers and company. I've made up with friends that I've had conflicts with. most of that stuff was pointless and stupid. I'm kind of glad that i have cancer cause i think its made me a better person as a whole. it really puts things into perspective. i like to think I've come a long way. I've made new friends. some of them are fellow cancer peeps and nurses who are the most awesomest people ever. don't get me wrong getting cancer sucks and it was not on my to do list but you have to deal with whatever cards you're dealt with. I've made lemonade with the lemons life gave me. i hope i continue doing fabulous and with that i raise my cup of Starbucks to you cancer and say "Cancer, you are a bitch. fuck you and thanks for the good times! Cheers!"

Confused????

so today's chemo treatment was put off yet another week. turns out my blood count (white blood cells) was too low again! i don't understand! i mean i do understand but at the same time I'm just so confused???? Dr. Chen told me that the reason my counts were to low is because I've already had so many rounds of chemo that my bone marrow is really slow to make more white blood cells. she didn't look worried at all and thinks I'm doing really well. BUT STILL! i mean is that OK? do i have to take a break from chemo? WTF!? i just wanna get better. I'm sick of being SICK! i know I'm on my way but all this stuff, these little bumps confuse the hell out of me! I'M I REALLY GETTING BETTER? I'm feeling fine but my blood work says other wise. now i have to get more of those shots to keep my white cells up. i got one shot today and i have to come back tomorrow and Wednesday. Friday i go back and get my blood work done. Wendy, the nurse practitioner, will see me and tell me if I'm good to go on the following Monday for treatment. Dr. Chen did say that she is very amazed as to how well I'm doing with this many rounds of treatment. she said most people don't even make it through 2-3 rounds of this type of chemo. my mother-in-law said its cause I'm stubborn and i wont let the cancer get the best of me. i say its cause i say FUCK YOU CANCER and GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BODY and P.S. i hate you. hahaha....

my cousin Alex's wedding is Saturday so i didn't wanna have chemo at the end of this week. i cant be sick on their wedding day! Alex is like a brother to me. i would be very upset if i missed it. i have a job to do that day. I'm the bubble passer expert! BUBBLES BUBBLES BUBBLES (*in the voice of that yellow tank fish in Finding Nemo*). oh well....hope you all had a fabulous Mother's Day!

getting my mediport!

Alright team I'm finally going under the knife! it's not anything huge like a full on surgery but it is a minor one. I'm getting a mediport put in for my chemo treatments. its kinda like what i used have in my arm but now its gonna be in my chest. i have to admit i am a little scared. I've never been through anything like this so the thought of something being put in my chest is crazy to me. but I've been reading up on it online and I've seen pictures of it so I'm not too worried about it anymore. i read peoples comments about their experiences and most of them said that its not big thang. most don't even remember the procedure. so this mediport is just another little bump in the road. i can deal.

so this mediport thing is gonna be hella better then the pic line was. no more dressing and stupid arm bands that gave me a bad tan line. LAME! the pictures of a mediport shows like a little bump in your chest but its nothing i cant hide with a cute ass tank top! well take care everyone and happy early mothers day everyone!This is a picture a a girl who got a mediport put in. the lines are just where they are gonna do radiation.

GOOD NEWS!

I'm finally better enough to let all you know that my tumor is shrinking! Yep that's right...shrinking! i went in for round 7 of chemo this past Monday. i talked to my doctor to see if she had heard anything about my last CT scan. the last time i talked to her she said she couldn't tell if my tumor was smaller or bigger cause she had nothing to compare it too. i told her we had the old scans so she might be able to compare. we did that and the radiologist said my tumor is smaller! FINALLY i know where i stand!

they took out my pic line cause it wasn't working anymore. they had to poke me and put an IV in my hand so i can get my chemo. that was not fun at all! when they told me that they had to take out my PIC line i was scared that it might hurt cause they were gonna just pull it out! i was like oh heck no! BLOOD everywhere!!! but that was not the case =) no blood was spilled.

on another note...my hair looks like its growing back. i have some kind of fuzz so that's cool. my cousin Jr stopped by and wanted to see and he said i looked tough. hahaha i am pretty bad ass so yeah i gots to look the part if I'm gonna act the part!

CT results tomorrow

Tomorrow i get my results for last Thursdays CT results. I'm really scared... i don't feel any different. still have no pain, don't feel any worse, everything seems normal. i think that's what scares me the most. the fact that i feel fine scares the hell out of me. before all this crap started i felt fine! so i really don't know what to feel. I'm still keeping my head up and hope for the best but still. Dr. Chen thinks I'm doing great. with her thinking that i think maybe just maybe everything will be fine but I'm still skeptical. well i guess we'll find out tomorrow. keep your fingers cross!

bald, disneyland and a NEW CAR!

Hello! So i finally did it! i finally shaved my head this past weekend! No, i didn't have a breakdown like my girl Britney Spears. It was just time. Most of my hair was gone anyways so it needed to be done. I'm OK with it. it was weird at first seeing my head for the first time. CRAZY. but I'm OK. i don't look too bad with no hair, i mean i would love it if i had it but I'm OK without it for now. my sister and my dad had to help me out a little when i was cutting it off. i couldn't see the back of my head. my mom had a hard time with it. she was upset and felt bad about me having to go through this. i can understand. if i was a mom watching her daughter go through cancer i would be upset too.


on a happy note: WE'RE LEAVING FOR DISNEYLAND IN 2 DAYS!!! Yes folks we are going back to Disneyland for the the 3rd time in 4 months! LOL! We're crazy i know, but i love it so who cares! this time were talking the Disney gang with us. we leave on Thursday and come back on Sunday, so not too long. I'm really excited about this trip cause we made shirts for everyone! the girls and i thought it would be cool if all of us had a shirt with a ride on it. the shirts came out awesome! i cant wait to show you pictures. I'll be sure to update during the trip!


on another happy note: ROBERT AND I GOT A NEW CAR! we are now proud owners of a 2008 ford escape. its the family car. Robert and i don't have any kids so it'll be our little toy to play with for a while. in case you were wondering why we got a new one its cause Robert's mustang got into a little accident 2 Sundays ago. it was messed up and it couldn't be saved so that's where the new car came into play. Robert did an excellent job at wheeling and dealing at the dealership. i was very proud of my man! good job baby!

well that looks like that's all for now...I'll be updating during the trip!

chemo time baby!

getting chemo! my last one round until may! woot woot!

Finally! Good news as arrived!

hey friends! so guess what? it was doctor visit time. i finally was able to get some answers from my doctor today. she told me she thinks I'm doing great! she noticed that i wear my wig now, which i do wear everywhere i go now cause I've lost most of my hair. my head looks so nasty but what are ya going to do, right?! anyways...my doctor thinks my treatments are going absolutely fabulous! thank you God! the other night i was a little worried mainly because i had no idea what was going on with me. i hadn't cried so much since i was diagnosed. Now i feel like I'm actually getting somewhere with this cancer crap.

anyhow, my doctor thinks my next CT scan (April 2) will come out looking awesome! she is more than positive about that. i was SO happy to hear this. she checked out all my lymph nodes and she said everything looked fine. we asked her about whether i could possibly have surgery in the future and she said its not something she wants for me right now cause it might be too much for my body to handle. right now we are just concentrating on getting the tumor down to size. OH and the best part was that she thinks i might be very close to remission!!!!! isn't that awesome! I'm sooo happy with everything. i know I'm not out of the woods yet but i feel like things are actually going to get better for me! YAY!!! i get a second chance! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR PRAYERS AND HAPPY THOUGHTS! GOD LOVES ME! WOO HOO!

d23 is what?!

so the D23 hoopla is a magazine? wow i thought it might have been something cooler like i don't know something cooler! apparently this magazine is gonna be almost $16 bucks and it only comes out 4 times a year. that sucks! ah well i wanna get it either way so yeah.

Happy Birthday Mandy!

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
You smell like a monkey!
And you look like one too!

Happy birthday Mandy! WOW you're finally 21 years old! Congratulations! you're in the big leagues now! Well lucky girl not only are you going to celebrate with your family and friends tonight you get to go to Tres next weekend AND head to Disneyland at the end of the month. You're birthday is pretty much all month long! I'm sorry i won't be able to be there next weekend. Chemo gets in the way of everything. I'm sure you'll have a great time anyways =) Happy birthday sister...hope you have a awesome one!

anoop dog

OK so i was totally pissed off at American idol this year. i could not believe Anoop was kicked off a few weeks ago! i was like what the fuck was America thinking! he's freaking awesome! but thanks to the wild card show he's back!!! top 13 baby! I'm sure this guy is going far! GO ANOOP DOG!

P.S. HAPPY 4 YEARS CHRIS AND CHRISTINE!!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!

Are you 23?

what is this "are you 23" business? dateline disney has been twittering about it all day? i'm so lost!

in other disney news....thank goodness they are thinking about re-doing star tours for the 55th! i love the 80's but that ride needs a makeover! how exciting! i love new stuff at disneyland!